Funny Scriptures - Those Funny Scriptures

Those Funny Scriptures

The Band

10/12/2013

Last night we had the privilege of watching and listening to our niece, Rachel play in the Blue Thunder Marching Band. The halftime show was good and the music was excellent. The game, well the football team was not so successful.

When I asked why the band didn’t play more to help bolster the team, the response was, “music doesn’t do much to help!”

Music plays an enormous role in our lives. Try watching a movie without sound. What would our movies be like without music setting the mood of the scene?

Music plays a huge role in the Scriptures. Think of how “The Walls of Jericho” fell. (See Joshua 6:20, Hebrews 11:30) Remember the prophesy announcing Christ’s Second Coming (See Matthew 24:31, 1Thessalonians 4:16) when the trumpet shall sound.

Rachel, in answer to your question about a “band” in the Scriptures. The word “band” is mentioned 66 times in the Bible, though most of those are not related to music. My favorite “band” scripture is “Cornelius in an Italian Band,” Acts 10:1. I wonder if Cornelius played the coronet.

1 There was a certain man in Cæsarea called Cornelius, a centurion of the band called the Italian band,
(Acts 10:1)

Bad Music

9/21/2013

“Bad” Music

The Six Basses are singing at the Los Angeles Visitors Center tonight at 7 PM.

Music and Scripture is such a part of our lives that I couldn’t help but share this funny verse.

5 It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
(Ecclesiastes 7:5)

We hope to see you tonight.

Killed Because of a Poor Accent

9/12/2013

A week ago today I was assigned to be the Tongan Ward high council representative. Up to this point I haven’t spoken or understood a word of Tongan. All I could think of when the assignment came was how to speak with them and would they accept my poor Tongan language skills.

There is a great Scripture explaining the language skills in this situation.

6 Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.
(Judges 12:6)

I’m still working on “framing” the phrase Mālō e lelei correctly. For a language that has only 17 letters in the alphabet you’d think it would be a bit easier to learn.

It is a great joy and privilege to listen to them sing!

Talking Donkey

8/31/2013

This is one of the funniest stories in the Bible. On many levels this is hilarious. First, the donkey, not the prophet, is the one who sees the angel. Second, in the conversation between Balaam and the donkey, Balaam is not alarmed that the donkey is talking to him! Third, the donkey is in tune with what the Lord, wants not the prophet. Last, is my favorite, when Balaam speaks at the end saying, “Nay,” as if he were the donkey! As you read this account, ask yourself, who was the prophet and who was the donkey?

And God's anger was kindled because he went: and the angel of the LORD stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants were with him.
And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.
But the angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side.
And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall: and he smote her again.
And the angel of the LORD went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left.
And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.
And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay.
Numbers 22:22-30

Do you remember the old television show Mr. Ed? Guess where the idea came from.
Above quoted from Those Funny Scriptures pages 71-72

Deliver Me from Strange Women

8/16/2013

A niece requested this story from the book, found on pages 196-197.

As a missionary in New York, sometimes you run across strange people. Once my companion and I were helping a family move their furniture. The family had little and relied on help transporting the furniture from others of the church. The only person who could help transport the furniture had an old beat-up van. He removed all but the front seats to make room. One trip we had several of those large office L-shaped desks jammed into the van. We then crammed in, on, around, and on top of those desks to fit in.

While on the road waiting for a signal, an old woman shuffled around to our driver and asked for a ride. Our driver said, “We have little room, and you probably do not want a ride from us.” The old woman insisted and shuffled back across the front of the van over to the passenger side of the van and proceeded to get in. By this time the light had turned green and the cars behind us were honking their horns. As she passed in front of the van, we decided to help her. I got out of the seat and squeezed on top of and in between the other guys already squashed around the desks. At this point another woman stepped in front of the van screaming that we were going to do something to the old woman and tried to get her out of the van. The driver said we didn’t want the old woman and if she could get her out that would be helpful. Screaming, the woman couldn’t get the old woman out and didn’t want us to leave with her in the van. Our driver said if she wanted, she could come along as well to make sure nothing happened to the old woman. At this point the screaming woman decided to leave, and we drove the old woman to her destination fortunately only a few blocks away.

To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words.
Proverbs 2:16

Honeycomb Cereal

7/26/2013

One morning, I happened to drop by for a visit and Gramps cornered me saying “Craig, I have had one of the worst cereals I have ever tasted in my life. No amount of sugar or milk would get this cereal to my liking. Please take a look and see what is wrong.” (You must know that Gramps went through the Depression. He seldom if ever complained about food. He was always glad to just have some.) As I went with him to the cupboard, I watched him pull out a box of croutons. We laughed over it, and then he said, “One good thing about this stuff; it never did get soggy!”
Enjoy your cereal.

I AM come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; . . .
Song of Solomon 5:1

The picture is of Gramps worn-out hands with his butterfly creation. How could anyone with hands beat-up like his, from his daily labor, make such a beautifully delicate butterfly? The wings of this butterfly are made of jade and are very thin, so thin you can see the light through them. How did he keep from breaking it on the polishing wheel?

Prosper Where You are Planted

7/18/2013

Prosper wherever you are planted.
The Lord “Plants” His People.

“Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thine inheritance, in the place, O LORD, which thou hast made for thee to dwell in, in the Sanctuary, O Lord, which thy hands have established.” Exodus 15:17

The picture with the carved totem was at our maternal grandparents’ home. Our grandfather was an artist. He found art in almost everything. As an example he made a cement hippopotamus out of an old water heater. His artwork included painting, manufacturing in metal, iron, wood and stone, and carving. One day an old yucca plant had grown like a weed and wreaked havoc in the yard and needed removal. Once gramps removed it he noticed the look of the plant and had an idea to carve it into a head, with the root system as the hair. It sat in his garage for more than 5 years waiting for that sculpting. When he finished carving it, he dug a spot for it in the yard. A few months later it grew a mustache.

Despite its ugly beginning, that yucca plant brought us laughter and joy in its unique ability to grow and thrive.
People that endure, like that plant, and “prosper wherever they are planted,” cannot be stopped!

Mortify the Members

7/11/2013

Whatever faith you belong to, your desire to inspire “members” is paramount. So what is the purpose of “mortifying the members?”

Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
Colossians 3:5

If you find yourself “mortified” at Church now, you won’t be mortified by your placement in the next!

Get Anger Out Before the Sun Goes Down

7/5/2013

There is a long held saying “not to go to bed angry”.
This Scripture appears to encourage you to get all your anger out before the sun goes down.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
Ephesians 4:26 KJV

A better way to think of it is; “don’t be angry for so long you lose the Son”!

Shortest Verses and Chapter

7/1/2013

It is funny that whole books have been written on these few words of Scripture.
What power is contained in these few short words!

Shortest Verse John 11:35
“Jesus wept”

2nd Shortest Verse 1 Thessalonians 5:16
“Rejoice evermore.”

3rd Shortest Verse Luke 17:32
“Remember Lots wife.”

4th Shortest Verse 1 Thessalonians 5:17
“Pray without ceasing.”

Shortest Chapter Psalm 117:1-2
“O praise the Lord, all ye nations: praise him, all ye people.
For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever. Praise ye the Lord.”

To figure out the next shortest verses you need to decide whether you will choose the number of words, the number of letters or a combination of both.

Emoticons

6/28/2013

When Christ comes again, it will be the “great and dreadful day of the Lord” (Malachi 4:5). Will we be smiling or frowning when He comes? Matthew gives us his answer with an emoticon at the end of the verse.

When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:)
Matthew 24:15
From Those Funny Scriptures page 329

Another fun emoticon "the wink" is found in Colossians 2:22
Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men?

Touch Not, Taste Not, Handle Not

6/25/2013

A preacher speaking to a congregation of single adults quoted this scripture as advice for dating.

(Touch not; taste not; handle not;
(New Testament | Colossians 2:21) KJV

This advice also works when you are cooking!

The Best Man Marries the Bride!

6/18/2013

The story of Samson has many valuable messages and some funny firsts in scripture. Samson was the first recorded person to both call his bride a heifer and then lose her to the best man!

And the men of the city said unto him on the seventh day before the sun went down, What is sweeter than honey? and what is stronger than a lion? And he said unto them, If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. Judges 14:18

But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. Judges 14:20

How Long Should a Honeymoon Be?

6/13/2013

How long should a honeymoon be: a week, two weeks, a month?
Many depression era parents had just a short honeymoon because times were tough and money was scarce.
The Bible gives us the length a honeymoon should be as one year!

When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.
Deuteronomy 24:5

William Shakespeare

6/8/2013

William Shakespeare, considered thee most prolific and inspirational writer outside Scripture the world has ever known, has his name in the Bible.

While translating the Bible into English, the translators (as historical rumors have it) wanted to do something special for this most profound writers forty sixth birthday. What they did was to place “Shake” forty six words from the beginning and “Spear” forty six words from the end of the forty sixth chapter of Psalms.

What do you think about this great writers name in Scripture?

Bored to Death

6/3/2013

My favorite "Funny" Scripture is the "Board to Death" account by Paul.

And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.
Acts 20:9

Who else could bore someone to death after preaching all-night, and bring him back to life, then go back to preaching? (See Acts 20:10-12)

Why did Paul go back to preaching?
When you discover why his message was so important that he went back to preaching, you will want to share it.